I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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