I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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