You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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