i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
