just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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