And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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