my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
