Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
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