How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
