Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
