Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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