The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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