I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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