My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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