I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize