he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My dick has a subreddit
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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