I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
