Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
