I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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