I'm gonna have a badass scar
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
