I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
