I accidentally had phone sex last night
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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