It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
