Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
