You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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