I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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