Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
