This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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