Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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