I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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