i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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