I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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