I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
