today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
