Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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