sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
