no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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