I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
