I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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