you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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