It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
