I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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