I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
