the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
