Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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