We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
