chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
