you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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