Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I'm really busy with my period
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