I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
