I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
