hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
