Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
