Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
