Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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