She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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