we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
