White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
