So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
