i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can't put those talents on a resume
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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