Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
