The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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